Parenting: Disciplining Children in a Blended Family 

Posted on by an anonymous mommy

  
When you have your first child, you never know what it will really be like when it comes to rules, discipline, and everything in between. You may say “I’ll never be like her” etc…. But when it comes down to it, you’ll likely find yourself doing something you said you never would. When my son’s stepmom entered his life, I told her it was not her job to discipline him, rather it was his dad’s job. In reality I was pretty awful when she first came around. I told her she would never be his mother, amongst other heartless statements. 

But the thing is, maybe my sons dad won’t see every little thing that happens, and maybe she catches it. Maybe she will end up being the person to save his life by seeing something wrong he’s doing and correcting him. So when my step son’s mom told my husband I am not allowed to discipline him and had a huge blowout over me putting SS in time out, I really took it to heart. There are many times when the boys are getting into trouble and I have to correct both of them, together. She makes it out to be like SS is bullied at our house and it’s just ridiculous. Even in the court order it is listed no significant others are to discipline. I just don’t see how that is enforceable, should I just let my step son get in trouble or maybe even get hurt? Of course when you have an illusion that your child is an angel, he shouldn’t need discipline from anyone, right? 😂😇
I now am married and my husband is a wonderful step dad. For the purpose of the post I’ve refered to everyone as step dad and step kids, but we never introduce each other that way. We love each other’s children as our own. 
There have many many times that he and I have argued whether one was being too harsh on one child versus the other. It just comes with the territory when you get involved with someone who has kids of their own. As a protective parent, sometimes it seemed to me that my husband yelled at my son more than he did his. Of course we only saw him every other weekend so finding a balance there is hard too. Too often I’d find myself on the defensive about my son , only later to realize maybe he did need some direction or correction. 
The biggest thing that has helped maintain peace in the family is having clear boundaries on what you feel is acceptable for you and your spouse when it comes to correcting behavior, as well as agreeing on what behaviors are and are not acceptable. When you become a step parent you have to keep in mind that the biological parent may not parent the same way you do. The best situation for all would be to have a family sit down and come to terms, but unfortunately not everyone can get along like that. If you can’t get (maybe due to an ex holding on to heartbreak 💔 or a mom in fear of replacement 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦), communicate via email or text so everything can be recorded and later used to solve disputes about what was agreed upon. 
In the mean time, let’s remember what is best for the children and get along like the “adults” we are 😉.

A Perspective for Bio Mom

Posted on by an anonymous mommy

Dear Biological Mother,

You won’t acknowledge my existence unless it is to complain to your ex husband about something you don’t like, so I’ll take a moment to acknowledge myself with the hope you get some insight on the situation.
You and him had issues long before I came along so stop blaming ME. I did not interfere in your relationship, I did not cause it to end, your divorce was a long time coming. I was simply to there to pick up the pieces after you two tried and tried for so many long years. Who signed the divorce papers? Me? Nope, you and he did. So stop making the issues about us and why don’t you make it about your sweet child being happy and well taken care of. 
Is it that you think I am not capable? Tell me then, how did my child get to be four years old without a broken bone or major illness? How did my child get to be smart and know the normal things a toddler should? I couldn’t have taught him that could I? No, not me, the horrible step mom to your child. 
You’ve expressed several times that your ex should not treat my child different or better than yours. You’ve expressed that it is not my responsibility to take care of your child, but the father’s. So are you telling me that when your child sees me making breakfast for mine, I shouldn’t make them both breakfast? What if I was to say “No I’m sorry your mother told me it’s not my responsibility, make your own.”….because dad had a long night working in order to pay your child support and wanted to sleep in a few minutes.
And when your child yells out my name in that cute southern draw and says “Come wipe my butt!!”, am I supposed to say again “No I’m sorry your mother told me it’s not my responsibility.” … while Dad is busy making grilled cheese sandwiches for the kids’ lunches.
And when we leave to go to the grocery store and Dad is carrying the baby in his infant seat and I see your child struggling to get down the stairs without tripping, should I not hold his hand since its not my responsibility?
When I tuck my own babies into bed at night should I give them kisses and hugs and read them a story, but not yours? 
When your child comes home and asks why I don’t love on him like I do my kids, or why I don’t feed him or help him, and why I don’t like him, don’t forget your famous words- it’s not my responsibility.
And when your child wets the bed at night, don’t forget it’s not my responsibility to wash and change the sheets while dad is getting them back to sleep.
You see, when you are home and it is just you and your child, I’m sure that you do everything for them, as you should, you are mom. No one can replace that, and no one is trying to. But I can also bet that there are times where you need to get things done, so you put off your child’s wants for a few minutes. Maybe they asked for a snack 20 minutes ago and you’re trying to finish a project for work, or maybe its just a simple shower after a long day. But you have no one there to help you. The thing is, I am here. As much as you may not like it, I am. And I am here just as much for your child as I am my own children. When one needs attention, I give them all attention. I would never want to exclude any of them. If it is not my responsibility to take care of your child or discipline them, then what I am supposed to do when your sweet child starts to play with something like an outlet or an electrical cord? Or run around the pool? Should I not discipline them and let them fall in and get hurt or get electrocuted? When your sweet child is being too rough with my infant, should I just let it happen? What happens when you have another baby and your child thinks it ok to hurt the baby , because I never disciplined him? Sure maybe dad can do most of the discipline , but that doesn’t mean he will always be right there to see what happened and some things need immediate action. I understand it is not my job to replace you, but it is my job to help look out for your child when here at my home. If I was to let something bad happen under our watch it would be negligence, so why would it not also my responsibility to ensure his happiness and sense of stability when here?
My point in writing this is to show you that I am apart of your child’s life and not in some horrible way like you assume or portray to your friends and family. I genuinely look out for the well being of your child. When your child makes comments about missing mommy or why do we live together I am always respectful and make your child feel better about the situation. Never have I said a negative word about you to your child, out of respect for you. I would only hope you could have the same respect for “daddy’s new wife”, who is also your son’s loving step mom.